It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens