How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
From Facebook just now…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.