If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.