Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
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This squirrel eats better than I do
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]