My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
this country is so goddamn polarized
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.