Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice