I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I love you…
…r dog.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true