Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Left at a local drug store…
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.