Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Damn what did I do next
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her