Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony