Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
What the hell is going on?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
no one likes gloating
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”