What a year we’ve had this week.
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.