It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation