SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.