ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.