Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’m awake but I object,
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.