{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Shower sex be like:
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that