*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.