Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too