I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
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[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs