Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
wow
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.