Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions