What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.