Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Life is a suicide mission.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved