INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
December birthdays be like…
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
In case you needed to hear it:
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.