Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
God has left this place
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…