Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me too 😆
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.