My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Yes, but it was never about money
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.