I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning