I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Admin smashed it 😂
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed