Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.