How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready