Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Velcrow
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.