What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
You Might Also Like
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Baking is just science you can eat.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I’m listening
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”