just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment