Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices