My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer