This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Encore…
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”