searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet