Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong