Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.