The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey