If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
im all 3
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Chicken bread
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.