me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Current mood: Potato
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.