Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.