Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton