Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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Shorty got
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⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Me recordaron éste meme
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.