[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.