Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Smile they said.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!