SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time